I think I have lost something.
Something in myself that allowed me to believe that I could one day live the fairytale lifestyle. I don’t think I ever believed in prince charming or anything like that but I used to watch the Cosby Show and wish I had a family like that. My other dream family came from the movie “Father of the Bride.” Neither family was entirely perfect but in both cases the mother and father had genuine love and respect for one another and when problems in the family arose, they stuck together and dealt with the problems as a cohesive unit. I used to wish I came from a family like that—then I began to hope my own future family would be like that. I believed I could meet a man who loved and adored me; who would court me old-world style and make sweet romantic gestures (knowing I’m a sucker for romance) just to put a smile on my face. I, in turn, would think he was the most amazing man in the world and would feel lucky everyday of my life that I had met a man like him. Our love would culminate in a grand, romantic marriage proposal and he and I would—like the fairytale—live happily ever after. With 2.5 kids a dog and a house and the whole thing.
Somewhere in the realm of dating, mating, and just growing up, I lost it. By “it” I mean the belief that I can have the fairytale. I guess some of that is healthy since nothing is perfect and all relationships have their trials and tribulations, but I have recently realized how far I have strayed from my original vision. I have become cynical and doubtful that I will ever meet someone I want to spend several consecutive days with, let alone a lifetime. It has been a good long time since a man has truly gone out of his way to make a grand romantic gesture. I fondly remember the days when I was “wooed” and dammit, I miss it. The “butterflies in the stomach feeling” rarely come around anymore and I am patiently waiting . . .
I recently heard about a friend getting engaged in a grand, romantic way and while I was completely happy for her, it made me realize how I don’t even consider that a possibility for me anymore. Why not? Have I let the reality of the dating experience destroy the dream? Sadly, I think so. But I have decided to resurrect the dream. I need to stop entertaining half-stepping men and non-committal relationships while telling myself, “This is just occupying my time until the right one comes along.” I am realizing that these pleasant yet ultimately unsatisfactory situations are truly affecting my outlook on future relationships and my potential for true happiness.
I need to remember the fairytale. Although my vision is a little more realistic now than when I was eighteen, it’s still okay to dream . . .
