A Good Man is Hard to Find

So I'm getting older. We all are-- it's undeniable. And I guess with age comes responsibility and the desire to settle down and do the grown up thang-- find a partner, start a family, have a successful career-- ya know, the whole thing. I am over the whole dating thing and I am getting serious about my relationships (I can't even believe I am saying this but it's true. For those of you who knew me back in the day, you are probably laughing right now).

Now I have been told repeatedly that my standards for marriage and partnership are too high. Of course the people most often telling me this are men with whom I have ended relationships (go figure. It just that YOU weren't the "one," dude). Actually I think my outlook on relationships is pretty simple and I think what I am looking for in a partner and in a partnership is uncomplicated. Now, I am not saying that my standards aren't high-- they are-- but they definitely aren't too high or unreasonable. I AM looking for that ultimate partnership-- true enough-- but why is that wrong? I am looking to have a strong and beautiful black family and I will not settle for a substandard relationship simply to avoid being alone. That is just setting myself up for failure. My standards have nothing to do with the kind of car you drive or the kind of clothes you wear, but the kind of person you are and the kind of connection we have together. Isn't that the way it should be?

Let me put it down in no uncertain terms:

I am looking for the kind of man who respects me and respects what we have built together. He values education, his community, his family, and above all the Creator. He can rap about politics, current world events, and still talk about Talib Kweli or The Roots' last album. I like a man with a bit of a swagger but he shouldn't be conceited. When he is at work, he is a professional, but he can still drink, chill, and burn it down on the weekends with me. He has various interests or hobbies and wants to share those experiences with me (I am tired of men who just play video games and watch t.v.). What makes life interesting is sharing knowlege-- put me onto something new! I have my own interests too-- we can enrich one another's lives. He cares deeply about social and political causes affecting the black community and does his part to make this world a better place-- there is nothing sexier than a man who can take his tie off and get down on a grassroots level to help the people. He wants to travel the world with me-- even if we can't afford to do it right now, we can sit and dream about it together. He is someone who I want to spend real time with-- not just out on the town on a Friday night but on a low-key "Blockbuster" night. He makes me laugh--laughter is important because life has it's ups and downs and sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying. We need to be able to entertain one another into our old age. He knows my personal family history and knows I have issues trusting men-- he loves me and is patient with me anyway. He believes in an all encompassing God-- a God that accepts people of all faiths seeking a Higher Power. Eventually when we get to "that" level, our relationship should come second only to his relationship with the Most High. He honors me-- even when I'm not around or when he is with his boys. He is affectionate toward me and he makes the occasional romantic gesture to keep the spark alive and to remind me why we fell in love. He makes an effort to compliment me and make me feel important, loved, and feel like I am the sexiest woman in the world! When we start a family he should take an active role as a father-- show his children what it means to be a strong black man, a loving husband, and a role model. Sometimes a man has to sacrifice opportunities at work to make time for our relationship or (in the future) for our family.

Now, that may seem like a lot, but it is really a lot of detail about basic characteristics. My standards are high, but not unrealistic. I have been in enough relationships in my life to know what I want. Also, I am a good woman so I don't think it is unreasonable to demand a good man.

I am an independent woman-- I can think for myself, I live by myself, I pay my own bills. I don't need a man to support me financially. I want someone to share my life with, which means mutual support-- emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically. I am a Cancer woman which does mean that I can be emotional and (overly) sensitive at times, but it also means that I am nurturing. I believe in supporting my brothas in all their endeavors. Too many black men and women face daily discrimination and hardships at work and in society-- when we come home we should feel supported and loved by our partners. One of the beautiful things about being a woman is that we have that female, spiritual power-- that ability to strengthen ourselves and heal our parters and our families with our kisses, our soothing touch, and our uplifting words of encouragement. There is also that physical aspect to nurturing-- did I mention I can cook? (Low key, I can burn!) There ain't nothing wrong with making Sunday breakfast after we sleep late, chill out, and read the paper in bed. Maybe we can go for a bike ride afterward and work off all that food or find some other way to get our sweat on. . . . hmmm. . . . (I can burn in the bedroom too but that is only for my man to know about!).

Alright, alright, I could go on forever, but basically, relationships are all about love, sacrifice, balance, reciprocity, openness, friendship, communication, and a little thoughtfulness and romance.

Is that really too much to ask for? If not, then why is it so hard to find? Damn!

Post Script: I first wrote this blog and posted it to my myspace back in August '06. Since posting this blog, I found the man who "fit the description"-- I guess I failed to address the potential problems with meeting Mr. Right. Sometimes, timing is everything. He acknowleges that we are "kindred spirits" (his words) but he wasn't ready for the responsibility and intensity of the relationship. He saw the potential for something deep and real and he turned and "ran like a coward" (also his words). Our meeting came at a time where he was getting ready to move to a new state and take a new job and he wouldn't allow any personal feelings between us to influence his career decisions. Sometimes Mr. Right can be Mr. Wrong if he comes along at the wrong time. This was a very hard lesson and I am currently revamping my opinions about what I am looking for in a potential partner. As long as I am single, I'm sure the blogs regarding relationships will continue to come. . .